How I Solved Homophobia… I Think.

Ok so heres a breakdown of how sex works based on the mind of a rediculously straight man.

Key:
Guy = 1 Sexual organs
Girl = 2 Sexual Organs

Guy + Girl = Good
So Good must equal 3
(Good = 3)
We know 2 x Guy = 2 Incompatible sexual organs.
So 2 must equal Bad (Apparently)
(Bad = 2)

But Masturbation is always Good no matter what gender, so Good must also equal 1 since you are alone.
(Good = 1) <—-Stop concentraiting on the faces this is serious sex maths!

So based on this, the scale goes up by number 1 2 3 as Good Bad Good etc.
So I’m assuming any odd numbers are Good and any equal numbers are Bad

So lets work this out…

Guy (1) + Girl (2) = Good (3)
Makes sense…

Guy (1) + Guy (1) = Bad (2)
Still makes sense…

Guy + Girl + Guy = Bad
Girl + Guy = Good
Girl + Guy + Girl = Good

So far so good.
Now, considdering the average straight man gets off on the sight of 2 girls getting off with eachother, this is where it starts to get a bit weird.

Girl + Girl apparently equals Good to a straight man, unless it suddently involves a cup.
But look at this…
2 + 2 = 4 (Bad) so logically Girl + Girl = Bad which to a straight mans brain would make sense since thats Gay and since they get off on this Homosexual behaviour, Homosexuality obviously isnt a bad thing is it.

But I know what your thinking, this doesnt make sense because guys are naturally attracted to girls and the more girls the better… That’s a Lesbian sex orgy which is still gay. I’m sure we fought for something called Equal Rights at some point in history.

So if girls are allowed to be gay why can’t men?
Besides, girls think its cute.

Amazing Idea #125

On the train home from my cousin Alaines wedding in Southport which was fantastic by the way, I had this brilliant idea. Musical Zippers.

The larger the zip the deeper the note and the the longer the zip the longer the note.
All you need is a load of people with anything with a zip on it and some practice and Bobs your aunty you gots yourselves some intresting musics there.

GENUIS!

Copy Dat Shiz

You know when you right click and copy something on the computer and youve had it copied for a while and not put it anywhere. Do you start to feel it? Like physically feel the weight of this copied entity on your mouse hand? I do, I dont know what it is. It must be some sort of psychological anomaly because there definatly no actual weight on my hand. I’ve checked… Several times. Even when there was weight on my hand.

I had a fat hand for a week when a gnat bit me. That gnat payed the ultimate price I have blood cancer.

In my blood.

15 Foods That Could Be Musical Instuments

1. Oboegene
2. Satuphone
3. Bananjo
4. Bassoup
5. Spaghettin Whistle
6. Stewba
7. Electronic Peaboard
8. Meringcas
9. Pan Pies
10. Crumpet
11. Harmange-tout
12. Guitarmite
13. Fifle
14. Violinguine
And of course
15. Chicken Drumsticks

Failed Ideas For The Speed Movies

I think the main reason there where never any more than 2 speed movies is cos they ran out of ideas, they did a boat, and a bus what next?
Cant do a train thats been done with that guy who played the original Willy Wonka. Planes have been done to death by every other movie on the planet. So thats where it ends a bus and a boat but you just know they must have thought of other forms of transportation, I happen to have the script writers notes handy in my draws of magic and wonder and icing sugar. Here are the other ideas they had…

1. Speed 3: 100 mpd (miles per dollar)

Keanu Reeves returns to face another speed enduced horror when his taxi driver (Whoopi Goldberg) inexplicably looses control of her cab and speeds through the streets of New York.

2. Speed 4
Brian Blessed plays a shy biker with low self esteem, as his bike inexplicably starts to gain speed. He uses his mobile phone to call for help a plucky young police officer/counselor (Whoopi Goldberg) takes the call and tells him he has no choice but to get over his insecurities and find his true voice so he can vibrate the bomb from the bike.

3. Speed 5: Descent
An innocent tea lady (Whoopi Goldberg) has 16 seconds to escape an inexplicably falling lift before it crashes to the bottom and explodes.
(shot in slow motion for length)

4. Speed 5: Lean Machine
During a routine ride around the office, boss Harvey Shatz (Jeremy Kyle) finds he cant stop his segway, at 7mph it is impossible for him to get off without hurting himself. He has no choice but to circle the office at peak hours through narrow cubical spaces as expert segway engineers (Keanu Reeves and Whoopi Goldberg) attempt to defuse the rogue segway.

5. Speed 6: Congestion Charge
Its The Queens Jubilee and all is going well when the carriage suddenly lurches forward, its out of control. A terrorist has spooked the horses with a party popper and they are on a rampage through london straight into rush hour traffic. The Queen (Brian Blessed) does everything in her power to stop the run away chariot. Her 2 body guards (Jeremy Kyle and Keanu Reeves) in a daring feat of heroics rescue her and Prince Philip (Whoopi Goldberg) before they have to pay the congestion charge.
Featuring Jonathan Ross as the Carriage Driver

6. Speed: Infinity
Aptly named amature astrologist Freddie Star (Keanu Reeves) makes a shocking discovery. The solar system (Jeremy Kyle) is speeding out of control through the galaxy, he takes his finding to top scientists (Brian Blessed and Whoopi Goldberg) who confirm his discovery and try to find a way to stop it before its too late, also there is a bomb attached to saturn placed there by terrorists apparently.

Evidently theres a reason these never got made.

Possible Medical Advice

Do you think if you gave someone with cancer, AIDs they will fight eachother in your body ignoring their individual mission to destroy you?
Then as they are busy having a fight you can find the cure for both and then have each of them ready to defeat the winner.
I am a brilliant doctor.

My Secret Other Life

This is going to be hard for me but I just cant stand to keep it a secret anymore even as I sit here typing I feel I shouldnt be telling you cos it will only bring misery and general horribleness to the lives of everyone I know, but it needs to come out now, there are things people dont know about me that will shock you and even question me. If after this you choose to disconnect any affiliation with me I understand fully and to be honest I dont blame you, it would be for your own saftey. Ive been living a secret other life, its been happening for just under 3 years now and its a miracle Ive managed to keep it hdden for so long. The reason I havent told anyone of this other life is because its dangerous and the people in it are dangerous, it could get me killed and in some cases nearly did. The people I am around in this life are reckless, destructive, they perform mind and body altering experiments on themselves, they take so many different drugs to cope with or enhance the experience. Some have been mutilated beyond surgical repair and in most cases after they go out into public usually end up in prison, under physiological review or even dead. But it is their own fault these people go out and murder they rob and steal, kidnap people and attempt to turn them to this dark side they have created for themselves.

But thats not me, those people arent what I became 3 years ago.
3 years ago I was in an accident, only a small one nothing major. I was in Shoebury and a helium canister exploded near me wiping out a Coca Cola vending machine in the process. I was hurt obviously, there was glass and metal shards in my skin and all over the place. I managed to get the majority of them out easy and went to the hospital to see if I was alright. Well over the next week I discovered after bumping my head on the ceiling for the first time while I was asleep that my shoulders could inflate and allow me to rise into the air like a balloon. When they inflate they make the sound of a carbonated drink like coke for example. I concluded that in the explosion the helium gas, the carbon gas from the fizzy drinks and the general radioctivity of Shoebury had given me this strange power of levitation. I tried to ignore it but situations arose that I had the power to prevent, in the end I just gave up and started this other life as a super hero.

I became Fizzy Shoulder Man!

My power is fueled by Coca Cola, I can convert its fluids and gasses into any other gas in my inflatable shoulders and exhale it through my mouth. I can ascend to any height and remain there out of reach to many evil doers. My weaknesses are classified.

This is where it gets hard for everyone. Now that you know my super hero identity and that I have so publicly announced it on the Internet, which in retrospect was a bad idea. You are all under threat from the dangerous, reckless, destructive people I so frequently fight and defend Southend from. Dont worry, I will protect you all from their insane experiments and if the worst comes, I’ll just put you somewhere REALLY high up.

Up, In A Non Movie Related Way

Ok heres one, what the hell is with the physics of flying, as far as I’m aware it’s all to do with air speed and pressure. So the air going over the wing is going faster than the air going under the wing and that gives an upward thrust… somehow.
Have you ever blown at your hand slowly and then…fastly. I’m pretty sure there is more pressure with the faster airspeed than there is with the slower airspeed. So wouldnt the faster airspeed going over the top of the wing force the wing down instead of up?
This makes me question whether the people who build planes actually know the science of flying or if they just have that wing shape that they know makes things go up and just copy and paste onto other planes, then give us that made up faster slower airspeed bollocks in an attempt to explain why it works so they dont look like idiots.

Just a thought

Cheesey Chips Recipe

The following was not written by me but my friend Scott.

For a rather unappetising yet strangely yum, artery clogging meal, try out Cheesy Chips á la Tesco Steven

You will need :
1 medium wedge Port Salut or similar cheese
Oven Chips
Ketchup
Microwave
Oven
Tesco
Guy on till
Friend deprived of sleep

Firstly, take your sleep-deprived friend to the nearest Tesco-Metro or similar outlet. Purchase impulse-buy pretentious cheese and lazy oven chips. Get friend to learn shop assistant operating till’s name (name is always Steven. If not, the shop assistant is clearly an impostor and must be reported immediately to the relevant authorities) and use it continuously whilst purchasing each item separately, taking care to slowly leave then re-enter shop between each purchase.
Take dazed friend home and place chips in oven, gas mark 6 for 20 minutes (after figuring out how to turn oven on, thus preventing self-gassing). Try and fail to grate paste-like cheese. Discover cheese has play-doh like quality and spend chip cooking time making small figurines out of malleable cheese. Suggested shapes include man, horse and smaller piece of cheese.
Once chips are satisfactorally cremated, place on a plate or microwaveable bowl and sprinkle mangled cheese on top.
After figuring out how to operate crazy futuristic friend’s microwave, microwave bowl of stuff in 30 second intervals, poking in between each. When cheese is melted and clings to/burns flesh, the dish is almost ready.
Sprinkle liberally (i.e. too much) with salt and squirt funny patterns of ketchup on top (for suggested patterns, see earlier)
Eat immediately, permanently scarring mouth with napalm-like cheese.
Feel sick for days as cheese sets permanently within digestive system/lungs
Die Happy, if slightly cheesy.

By Scott Massey

English, Scottish and Irish Joke

TJ: An englishman an irish man and a scotsman walk into a pub…

Kitty: And get drunk

TJ: They ask for 3 pints of beer. When they get it its all in one big glass, the English-man tells the barman theres been some sort of a mistake. the barman assures him theres no mistake.
The Scotsman confronts the barman and tells him there has been a mistake and threatens punch him if he doesnt fix their order, the barman insists there hasnt been a mistake.
They turn to the Irish-man to help confirm their order of 3 seperate pints only to find a huge empty glass and the Irish-man looking quite pleased with himself.

TJ: Cos… you know, hes irish… And they they can handle quite a huge amount of alcohol.

Kitty: Is that it?

TJ: Yeah

TJ: True story

Kitty: O.o

TJ: Oh, but then the English-man and the Scotsman beat up the Irish-man cos it was like… £15 for the whole glass and they could have got thier money back if he hadnt drunk it.

TJ: Sometimes the irish can be so self centered.

Kitty: lol.