On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Total:
12 Partridges in a pear tree
22 Turtle doves
30 French hens
36 Calling birds
40 Gold rings
42 Geese a-laying
42 Swans a-swimming
40 Maids a-milking
36 Ladies dancing
30 Lords a-leaping
22 Pipers piping
12 Drummers drumming

Maybe I should just tell him what I want for christmas

So one day I was wondering why we actually get the seasons we do and why exactly we’ve been getting hotter summers and colder winters. So obviously I looked it up and discovered that the reason was because of the planets oval shaped slightly off center path around the sun.
ALL OF A SUDDEN! Every picture I’ve seen and every video I’ve watched has shown an oval slightly off center path around the sun.
Even videos from before I was born!

Its at bout 2:40 into the video

This is the kind of thing that makes me think I’m living in a Truman Show type world where things I learn suddenly become a fact that’s been around forever. I’ve just somehow conveniently dodged this knowledge until now then it rears its ugly arse every time I google something or change the bloody channel.
What else don’t I know that’s apparently obnoxiously common knowledge the moment I learn about it?

Now you’ve found the entrance you have to book in, some bearded man called Pete signs you in. Not only is he incredibly old he’s also hard of hearing and cant spell your name correctly.
He gives you a complimentary harp and decorative set of wings.

You finally get the right name down and you are free go into heaven. After a little while of following the path you find your feet are wet due to the layer of cloud you are some how walking on and you are getting sun burnt because you are obviously closer to the sun being so high up and you are going blind because its sunny and all the clouds are white.
Sunglasses are horribly overpriced because a sunglasses salesman got up there and managed to get a shop just by the gates.

It just gets worse all your relatives are there to meet you, ALL OF THEM! You thought you where rid of them now you’ve gone to heaven but nope they are all here and they are all pissed off because they’ve been waiting long enough you selfish bastard, living well into your old age!

What where you thinking! They’re in heaven the last thing they want is to be pulled away from what they where doing just to say hello to you and then you turn up several years late!

I wouldn’t want to be there with damp feet and a burning face squinting at everyone I’m related to while they tell me I lived a mediocre life that should have ended sooner.

What if they don’t like each other anyway a fight might break out! Its a bad idea.

So several hours later you’ve met everyone and they’ve all gone back to what they where up to.
The rep comes over and gives you the key to your heaven and a rule book, you let yourself in because a lot of people die and the rep is too busy to show you to your place.
Pff more clouds in here, yep the rep failed to tell you you have to make your own heaven. You figure that bit out fairly quickly, it is not all inclusive.

You check the rule book that tells you, you cant do anything you are currently thinking of doing. You turn it over “The Bible”

Obviously.

But you compromise and you have your fun making do with what you have to work with.

Couple days pass you are running out of ideas and you are here for the rest of your conceivable existence.

You decide to learn the harp….

I Just don’t see the appeal really.

I saw they had seen me and the car slowed and the window wound down.

In my head I thought “Oh bloody hell, its too late now might as well carry on until they stop me.” So I did, fully expecting a £50 fine for cycling on the pavement, as is the law round these parts.

The police car and I are completely level now and the officer inside leans out of the window and shouts “OI”

I shit myself because I wasn’t expecting that.

He continues… “NICE HAT!”

And then drives away.

This sealed the deal for me…

I HAVE A MAGIC HAT!

Everyone loves the hat.

It has made chavs respectful

Made people want to sleep with me.

And distracted the police from my law breaking.

MAGIC!

Laura Wilcock says
have u seen the new piranha film? its hilarious!

TJ says
no

TJ says
i bet it is

Laura Wilcock says
some guy gets eaten from the waist down, and says “oh god they took my penis!” as his leg bones tap against the boat lol

TJ says
lovley

Laura Wilcock says
its basically badly animated fish and loads of shots of naked women

TJ says
so scary movie taken seriously

TJ says
so do they not learn to just NOT GO IN THE WATER

Laura Wilcock says
haha no

TJ says
or is the film just them constantly going  “hey guys i dont know what happened to ZAK after he went out for that swim in the bubbling water over there. so im going to go and investigate by swiming out into that bubbling possibly fish infested water over there.”

“Be careful CODY”

“whats the worst that can happen” *gets eaten by a dr.pepper bottle*

Laura Wilcock says
hahaha
its like reading the script
with more advertising
**rubs shins**

TJ says
*does so immediatly*

Laura Wilcock says
haha good boy

TJ says
“oh no BECKY the big breasted bubbly blithering blond bitch from baywatch is being bitten by billions of bitey fish”

Laura Wilcock says
man ur making me wanna watch the film now

TJ says
*rewrites the film*

Laura Wilcock says
lol

TJ says
“lets go in and save becky as a slight excuse to touch her up while we are swimming back to the shore but mostly to save her ever diminshing life from the rediculously agressive aquatic razor blades that we all know as piranahs”

“right on BOBBY leader of the football team and ten time world champion of sports and the like!”

*takes off shirts which they didnt have on to begin with because thats apparently what its like when you have a physique like that… just cant keep the shirts on*
*gets eaten aswell*

Laura Wilcock says
haha, omg this has to be a blog!!!
DOOO ITTTT

TJ says
“Hey smart geeky girl wearing huge glasses and a giant sweater to cover up the fact she has a massive rack cos for some reason all the producer hired was potential porn stars, get on that interwebbymajigger machine and google “Getting eaten by things in strange misty bubbly water on summer break: A guide to not doing that”
*gets computer virus*
*is eaten aswell somehow*

Laura Wilcock says
hahaha

TJ says
im ruining every teen horror flick ever right now

Laura Wilcock says
its brilliant!

Speaking of Laura B Wilcock, anyone who has any interest in fantastic graphic design might want to visit her (currently a bit shit) website!
www.laurawilcock.com
Example of a bit of her dad below…

The B stands for Bitch

First of all my reasoning behind why potatoes arent food…

For a start they taste of utter balls cooked or uncooked and you need to add things to them to make them taste at least a little bit less like the dirt they grew in. Just because you can eat them doesnt mean they are food, I’m sure paper would be edible if you put gravy on it doesnt mean its a food.

Same reasoning goes for wheat, not things with wheat in it like bread. I mean JUST WHEAT! Wheatabix, Shreadies… That other one that is made of wheat, im sure theres a 3rd one. All of them you have to add milk and sugar to to be able to eat them, they taste like arse in a cup cooked or uncooked if thats even possible with a plant! What is the fucking point!

Id rather not poop, its not right and feels wasteful and messy. Why would we be designed that when we dispose of our waste it has to pass between 2 big buttocks smearing down the sides as it passes. I’d rather have very powerful acids digest everything in my food. might end up with a little more energy to do things which is always good.

Peeing, I can deal with that it feels good but I’d rather not have to put effort into holding it. First, bigger bladder everyone could do with one of them and second a sort of tap or release valve so i can let it go when i need it too and not have to rely on my own bodies physical ability to hold itself. Youd be able to feel that you need to pee but you wont have the risk of pissing yourself by accident.

Id rather not have teeth, especially ones that get holes in simply from the food we eat, what kind of design is that?
We have teeth to chew but the things we chew breaks down the teeth, wheres the sense in that?
And to top it off theres a nerve in the middle so you can feel them rotting… Why would you need to feel your teeth to begin with I dont understand this?
Id just have 2 big teeth like a horse shoes in my mouth they would be more durable being 1 soild thing instead of billions of tiny solid things and no nerves cos there is no reason to feel through your teeth at all. They also wouldnt be broken down by the food we eat cos thats just stupid and no food will get stuck beween them because theres no them to be stuck between..

2 sets of eyelids 1 of them transparent. How many times have you seen dust from building works while you are walking past and you wish you could see where you where going but you couldnt cos you have dust in your eyes and you’ve had to close them and stop what you are doing. With 2 sets just close the transparent ones so your eyes are protected but you can still see where you are going.

Fingernails hard enough to not be bitten, cos sometimes they just go too far and it hurts like fuck.

Noses that run, nope dont want that, if it was stopping germs entering the body  by catching it in snot why is it such a large opening and why isnt it literlally full if snot. Another thing that doesnt make sense. Get rid of it.

And

• Electricution
• Rapid decompression
• An absense of parachute
• Guns
• Knives
• Other people with guns and knives
• Sharks
• Suffocation
• Jelly fish
• Bombs
• Cars
• Falling elevators
• Flesh eating viruses
• Broken glass
• Stampedes
• Spiders
• Lava
• Falling in lava
• Being stuck while lava comes to you
• Acid
• Dying in your sleep
• Dying when your awake
• Crossing a railway line
• Getting your foot caught in a railway line
• Getting on and off of an escalator
• Being in a burning building
• Meteors
• Ghosts
• Vicious animal attacks
• Vicious ghost animal attacks
• Being swept out to sea in a dinghy
• Vampires
• Being falsely imprisoned
• Zombies
• Becoming blind
• Becoming deaf
• Becoming blind and deaf
• Boiler explosions
• Bird poo falling in your mouth
• Not being able to stop bleeding
• Stinging nettles
• Needles
• Bad news that directly affects you
• Being trusted to hold a baby anything
• Breaking something irreplacable
• Saying something monumentally inappropriate
• Inhaling unknown dust from a building site
• Sending an email to the wrong address
• Fat people
• Ugly people
• Retarded people
• Elderly people
• Important people
• Disabled people
• The dark
• Your own home
• That feeling of uncertainty when you go somewhere and no one else is where you are supposed to be meeting and you start to question if its even today
• That feeling of someone in the room with you
• That feeling of bees in the room with you
• An actual bee in the room with you
• Waking up and hearing a bee in the room that dive bombs past your ear while you are still in bed causing you to freak out and seal off any entrance to your now impenatrable duvet cover bee fortress
• No duvet cover

Apparently

Not sure how they measure that when theres nothing AT the sun to indicate when it started, the light is a constant its not as if there are individual rays that start and stop its just the sun its a constant supply of light all the time nothing physical passes for you to time how long it takes to get to earth. It could all be bollocks to be honest, those pesky scientists making shit up again like they did with how flight works.

Well however they measured it apparently its 671 million miles per hour. Now the fact they are able to measure how fast light travels means theres a defined amount of miles per hour to get to to be traveling at the speed of light, which is entirely possible.
Maybe not now but at some point something other than light is gonna be moving that fast. Maybe something already is we dont know we havent found it yet. But the point is its not as if its an undetermined goal like Infinity miles per hour.

As technology moves forward with bigger better faster forms of movment being created, each one stacks onto what we already had with more technology to gain more speed further advancing the way propultion is accomplished. It is inevitable that we will create a form of propultion that can get us to the speed of light we just arent there yet. Science is bizzare and infinatly surprising, discoving new things to be used in new ways to make new things become possible all the time.
Maybe we havent yet discovered the key bit of science to traveling that fast because we havent discovered 17 other things that would lead to the discoveration of that equasion.

The speed of light is not impossible its just a matter of time.